The Giver: Why You Keep Putting Yourself Last
You said yes again. Not because you wanted to, not because you had time, but because someone asked and your hand went up before your brain could weigh in.
In this episode, Shari names the Helium Hand, the pattern of automatic yes-saying that keeps midlife women putting themselves last, and the quiet belief running underneath it. Plus one small thing worth trying this week.
Key Takeaways
- The Helium Hand is when saying yes has become so automatic that it happens before you're even aware of it. It's not weakness and it's not simple people-pleasing. It's a pattern built one yes at a time.
- Underneath the automatic yes, there is almost always a quiet belief running in the background: my needs can wait, it would be selfish to say no, or the quietest one of all, everyone else's needs are real and mine are optional.
- Beliefs like these don't announce themselves. They just quietly shape every decision, every yes, every time you put yourself at the bottom of the list without noticing you've done it again.
- There is a difference between saying yes because you want to and saying yes because it's what you do. A choice has a moment of pause in it. Most women living with the Helium Hand haven't had that pause in a long time.
- The shift is not about learning to say no. It's about learning to pause long enough to actually decide. One breath before one yes is where it starts.
- Coming home to yourself doesn't start with a dramatic overhaul. It starts with noticing that you have a choice at all.
Resources
π― Take the free Midlife Spark Type Quiz: https://www.sharibiery.com/quiz
π Read It’s Your Turn: https://www.sharibiery.com/its-your-turn-book
π Website: https://www.sharibiery.com
π Join Me on Substack: https://sharibiery.substack.com/p/start-here
Transcript
Did You Decide to Say Yes?
[00:00:04] Shari Biery: I want you to think about the last time you said yes to something.
Not a big yes, just a regular one. Maybe it was a committee, a favor, a task that became yours without anyone actually asking.
Did you decide to say yes? Or did it just happen?
Welcome and Series Intro
[00:00:29] Shari Biery: You're listening to It's Your Turn with Shari Biery. I'm Shari, a National Board Certified Health and Wellness Coach, bestselling author, speaker, and creator of the C.A.L.M. Method. Each week, this show is about taking your turn in midlife, embracing new purpose, new passions, and new possibilities. New episodes drop weekly, so be sure to subscribe so you don't miss one. Now let's get into it.
[00:00:57] If you're just joining us, this is part of the Coming Home series, 7 episodes on finding your way back to yourself in midlife. Even though this is Episode 4, each of these episodes stands on its own, so no matter where you're joining us, you're in the right place.
Today, we're going to be talking about the Giver. She's the woman who has been saying yes for so long that saying no feels like a foreign language. And if this is you, welcome to the club.
The Helium Hand
[00:01:45] Shari Biery: I just want you to picture this for a minute, and come at this without judgment, just with the question: does this sound like you?
Do you say yes to a committee? Not because you wanted to, not because you had time, but because someone asked and your hand went up before your brain even had a chance to weigh in. And it's almost like you watch it happen from the outside.
And then you drive home, pull into the driveway, and sit there for a few minutes feeling like, that wasn't a catastrophe, it wasn't devastating, it was just one more thing. One more commitment in a life that was already full of commitments you agreed to without quite deciding that you wanted to.
And maybe you're thinking: when did yes stop being a choice?
[00:03:07] As I've mentioned before, I write about this in my book, It's Your Turn. I call it the Helium Hand.
It's that moment when someone asks for a volunteer and your hand is already in the air. Not because you decided, but because saying yes has become so automatic, so much a part of who you are and how you move through the world, that it happens before you're even aware of it.
It may happen at work, at home, in your community. Someone needs something covered and somehow it becomes yours. A favor is asked and you're already figuring out how to make it work before you've checked whether you actually have the capacity.
It's not weakness. It's not people-pleasing in some simple sense of that phrase. It's a pattern that got built over a long time, one yes at a time, until saying yes became the path of least resistance. Until it felt more uncomfortable to pause than to just agree.
The Belief Running Underneath
[00:04:20] Shari Biery: What I've noticed underneath the Helium Hand is that there's almost always a belief. Not a conscious one. Not something you would say out loud. But a quiet operating assumption that has been running in the background for years.
Something like: my needs can wait. Or: it would be selfish for me to say no. Or the quietest one of all: everyone else's needs are real. Mine are optional.
Do any of those feel familiar?
It's not a criticism, it's just a question. Beliefs like that don't announce themselves. They just quietly shape every decision. Every yes. Every time you put yourself at the bottom of the list without noticing you've done it again.
The cost isn't dramatic at first. It's cumulative. It builds up. It's the slow accumulation of a life lived mostly for everyone else, with very little left over for you.
The Gap Between a Reflex and a Choice
[00:05:46] Shari Biery: There's a gap that surfaces here. There's a difference between saying yes because you want to and saying yes because it's what you do.
A choice feels different than a reflex. A choice has a moment of pause in it. A moment where you can actually check in with yourself before you respond.
Most of us who've been living with the Helium Hand haven't had that pause in a long time. The reflex is so fast, so practiced, that the pause disappeared somewhere along the way. And you can't reclaim a choice you don't know you've lost.
So what if the shift isn't about learning to say no? What if it's just about learning to pause long enough to actually decide?
One Small Step
[00:06:57] Shari Biery: When was the last time you said yes and you actually meant it? Not out of obligation, not because it was easier, just because you wanted to.
Before you say yes to one thing this week, take one deep breath first. Not to force a no, not to change everything at once. Just to create a pause where there wasn't one before. A moment of actual choice, even if the choice is still yes.
One breath. One moment. That's the beginning.
Because coming home to yourself doesn't start with a dramatic overhaul. It starts with noticing that you have a choice at all.
Coming Up Next
[00:07:51] Shari Biery: Next week, we're going to talk about a different kind of midlife experience, one that shows up in your body rather than your calendar. If your energy, your sleep, or your weight has shifted in ways you can't quite explain, you'll want to catch this one.
If you haven't taken the free Midlife Spark Type Quiz, it's in the show notes. It names where you are right now and points you toward what kind of step might actually help. And as we go through each Spark Type over these episodes, you'll be able to see exactly where you stand.
If something in this episode really hit your heart, and you know another woman with a Helium Hand, share this episode with her. I'm also over on Substack writing articles there as well.
Until next time, keep taking your turn.
Where to Go From Here
If this episode named something you recognize in yourself, the Midlife Spark Type Quiz is a good next step. It takes three minutes and gives you a clearer picture of where you are right now. Take the quiz here.
The Helium Hand is explored in full in Shari's book, It's Your Turn. Get the book here.
Keep Taking Your Turn
New episodes of It's Your Turn with Shari Biery drop weekly on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, and Substack. Subscribe so you don't miss one.
This content is for informational purposes only and is not intended as medical or mental health advice. Always consult a qualified healthcare provider or mental health professional with any questions about your health.
This show notes page was created with the assistance of AI based on the recorded episode transcript. All content has been reviewed for accuracy and reflects what was shared on air.
