Who Am I Now That My Kids Don't Need Me the Same Way?

If the kids leaving has left a strange quiet behind, and you're not sure who you are without that role, this one will hit your heart. Shari explores the identity shift nobody warns you about in midlife, and the simple question that can crack something open for you.

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Key Takeaways

• The role of mother gave you a clear answer to who you were. As that role changes, the question "who am I now" can show up uninvited.
• This applies whether you were a stay-at-home mom or building a career alongside motherhood. Both versions can lose the same sense of identity.
• This transition often comes with real grief, not dramatic, but genuine, even when there's also pride in what you built.
• You can be proud of what you built and grieve the version of yourself who built it.
• This season isn't a loss. It's an opening. The woman underneath the role didn't disappear, she adapted.
• Coming back to yourself in this season is not starting over. It's coming home.

Resources

• It's Your Turn Book
• Take the free Midlife Spark Type Quiz
• Companion Substack article: Who Am I Now? The Identity Shift Nobody Warns You About in Midlife
• Join Shari on Substack

Transcript

The Particular Kind of Quiet

[00:00:02] Shari Biery: You're listening to It's Your Turn with Shari Biery. I'm Shari, a National Board Certified Health and Wellness Coach, bestselling author, speaker, and creator of the C.A.L.M. Method. Each week, this show is about taking your turn in midlife, embracing new purpose, new passions, and new possibilities. New episodes drop weekly, so be sure to subscribe wherever you listen to your podcasts. Now, let's get started.

There's a particular kind of quiet that settles into a house once the kids are gone. Not peaceful quiet, not at first. A different kind. It's the kind that makes you notice how loud your own thoughts have become.

If you've dropped a kid off at college, or watched one move into their first apartment, or just notice the house feels different lately, you know this quiet. And in it, a question shows up that nobody prepared you for. Who am I now?

The Job That Was Done Well

[00:01:14] Shari Biery: For years, your days had a shape. Drop off. Pick up. Practice. Dinner. Homework. Bed. Maybe that was your whole day. Maybe you were also building a career in the cracks between all of it, somehow managing both worlds at once.

Either way, you knew exactly who you were because the role told you. Mother. The one who held it all together. The one everyone needed.

And then, slowly, the role changes. It doesn't happen all at once. It starts with getting a car. A dorm room. A first apartment. The job isn't over, but it looks completely different now.

And whether you're standing in a house that's quieter than it's been in twenty years, or you're sitting at your desk wondering why this Tuesday feels different, even though nothing on your calendar changed, the question is still the same. Who am I now?

Finding Your Way

[00:02:35] Shari Biery: I worked with a woman whose youngest had just left for college. And she also ran her own business, and she had for fifteen years. She told me, I thought I'd just go back to focusing on work, but the quiet followed me there, too.

For years, she'd known exactly who she was every single day. The one who packed lunches before her first meeting. The one who left at five, no matter what, to make it to practice. The one who somehow held both worlds without dropping either one.

And suddenly, one of those worlds was gone. And she realized how much of her identity had been built on holding both at once.

We didn't fix that in one coaching call. But we started with one different question. Not, what's wrong with me? But, who was I before all of this needed me so completely? And that question cracked something open for her. I think it can do the same for you if you're in this spot, whether your days were full of carpool, or meetings, or both.

The Grief Nobody Names

[00:04:00] Shari Biery: I really think there's something we don't talk about enough in this transition. And that's that this transition comes with grief. It's real grief. It's not dramatic. It's genuine loss. The loss of a version of yourself that was deeply familiar. The loss of a role that gave you clear purpose, even on the hard days.

You can be proud of what you built. And grieve the version of yourself that built it. Both of those things can be true at the same time.

A child who steps confidently into their own life is a child you raised well. And that's something to celebrate. But it's also okay to grieve some parts of that.

What This Season Is Actually Asking

[00:05:03] Shari Biery: So, what is this season actually asking you? What is midlife asking you right now? I think we can all kind of take this and think of it as, this isn't a loss, even though it can feel like one. Let's look at it as an opening.

The woman underneath the role didn't disappear. She adapted. She got really good at showing up for everyone else. And now, this season is asking her to show up for herself. That's not starting over. That is coming home. And I often say it, that's coming home to yourself. This is your homecoming.

A Question to Sit With

[00:05:57] Shari Biery: So, something to think about as I close out today, I'd love to leave you with just a reflection, a question here.

Who were you before this role of mom took over completely? Not who you wish you were. But who you were, actually. What lit you up? What were you curious about before the carpool line, the meetings, or both became your whole identity?

And as I always say, you don't have to have that answer right away today. Just let that question take you through some curiosity. And sit with it.

Closing

[00:06:54] Shari Biery: If this episode found you in that quiet, remember, the Midlife Spark Type Quiz is a good place to start. You can take it at sharibiery.com/quiz. The link is always in the show notes.

And if you want to go deeper into that exact question, I wrote about it on Substack, so you can come find me over there at sharibiery.substack.com. And that link will be in the show notes as well.

So, thanks for spending time with me today. If something in this episode really hit for you, or you were just talking about this with a friend, send this to that friend. This is how we help one another. And we get this movement, it's your turn, to ripple out into other women. We need to know that our community can count on us.

So, until next time, keep taking your turn.

New episodes of It's Your Turn with Shari Biery drop weekly on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, and Substack. Subscribe so you don't miss one.

This content is for informational purposes only and is not intended as medical or mental health advice. Always consult a qualified healthcare provider or mental health professional with any questions about your health.