The Seeker: If You've Spent Years Taking Care of Everyone Else
What do you enjoy? Just for yourself, not for anyone else. Could you answer? In this episode, Shari talks to the Seeker, the woman who has spent years showing up for everyone else and somewhere along the way lost the thread back to herself. She explains why this isn't a midlife crisis, it's a call, and offers one small step to start hearing your own voice again.
Key Takeaways
- The Seeker is the woman who has spent years showing up for everyone else, and somewhere along the way, lost the thread back to herself, not all at once, but one small accommodation at a time.
- If someone asked what you enjoy, just for yourself, and you couldn't answer, that's not brokenness. It's a sign your own preferences went quiet, not that they disappeared.
- What gets called a midlife crisis is often something else entirely: a call. Your own life calling you back to yourself.
- Midlife naturally creates space as roles loosen, kids grow more independent, careers shift, and in that space, the question "who am I when it's just me?" surfaces. That's not a sign something's wrong. It's a sign something is waking up.
- You don't need permission to have preferences, to take up space with your own interests, or to say something matters to you without checking if it's convenient for everyone else. You already have it.
- One small step: write down one thing that used to light you up, not something you should enjoy, something that actually did, and ask yourself honestly, does it still?
Resources
- Take the free Midlife Spark Type Quiz: https://www.sharibiery.com/quiz
- It's Your Turn, Shari's book: https://www.sharibiery.com/its-your-turn-book
- Follow Shari on Substack: https://sharibiery.substack.com/
- Listen on all platforms: https://pod.link/6788453366
Transcript
What Do You Enjoy?
[00:00:03] Shari Biery: What if someone asks you a simple question? What do you enjoy?
Could you answer? Or would the silence tell you something you hadn't been able to hear?
Welcome and Series Intro
[00:00:19] Shari Biery: You're listening to It's Your Turn with Shari Biery. I'm Shari, a National Board Certified Health and Wellness Coach, best-selling author, speaker, and creator of the C.A.L.M. Method. Each week, this show is about taking your turn in midlife, embracing new purpose, new passions, and new possibilities. New episodes drop weekly, so be sure to subscribe so you don't miss it. Now, let's get started.
If you're just joining us, this is part of the Coming Home series, the Midlife Spark Type. These are 7 episodes on finding your way back to yourself in midlife, and this is Episode 6 of 7, but just know each of these episodes stands on its own, so wherever you're starting, you're totally fine, you're in the right place.
In the Midlife Spark Type Quiz, there are 3 types. We've talked about the Giver, the Reclaimer in the last episode, and today we're going to talk about the Seeker. She's the woman who has spent years showing up for everyone else, and somewhere along the way, she lost the thread back to herself.
If this is you, sit down, grab a cup of coffee, let's get cozy, and let's chat here.
The Question That Stops You
[00:01:49] Shari Biery: So what if somebody, a friend, will just say, it's an ordinary Tuesday afternoon, and you're in the middle of a regular conversation with her, and your friend asks a simple question. What do you enjoy doing? Just for yourself, not for anyone else.
Could you answer? Or would it be a situation where you would open up your mouth and nothing would come out? Not because you're shy, or because you're having a bad day. Maybe you try to say something, but you realize in the middle of that pause that you really don't know. Not what your spouse enjoys, not what your kids needed. But not really what you know is true for you.
What do you actually like? What do you enjoy?
Maybe you've been so good at showing up for everyone else for so long that your own wishes have gone quiet. Not gone, they've just gone quiet. They've gone so quiet, you've stopped hearing them.
So I wonder if you've had a moment like that.
How It Happens
[00:03:20] Shari Biery: What I've noticed is how this happens, it doesn't happen all at once. Nobody wakes up one morning and decides to stop mattering to themselves. It happened the way most big changes happen. Gradually, quietly. One small accommodation at a time.
Someone needed dinner, and she figured it out. Someone needed a schedule adjusted, and she adjusted hers. Someone needed her energy, her attention, her presence, and she gave it. Because she was good at it. Because it mattered. Because that's what she did.
And somewhere in the middle of all that giving, her own voice got quieter. Not because anyone asked her to be quiet, it's just because there was always something more urgent. Someone who needed her more. Something that couldn't wait. And her own interests, what lit her up, those became things she'd get to later, or when things settled down, or when there was more time.
And later just kept moving.
Not a Crisis. A Call.
[00:04:41] Shari Biery: Most of us are taught to treat this kind of restlessness as a problem. As something to push through, or quiet down, or figure out before it gets worse. And we may call this a midlife crisis. Some people reframe it that way, and it really, I don't think it's a problem. I think it's a call. It's your own life calling you back to yourself.
Midlife has a way of creating space, sometimes by choice, sometimes not, where the roles that defined you start to loosen. Your kids become more independent. Careers shift. The version of yourself that was built around everyone else's needs has a little more room to breathe.
And in that space, a question usually surfaces: who am I, when it's finally just me?
And that question is not a sign that something has gone wrong. It's a sign that something is waking up.
Permission You Already Have
[00:06:00] Shari Biery: Thinking back to that Tuesday afternoon, the woman who couldn't answer that question about what she enjoyed, she wasn't broken. She wasn't lost. She was someone who had been so focused on what everyone else needed that she never had quite given herself permission to need something too.
Permission to have preferences. Permission to take up space with her own interests. Permission to say, this matters to me, without immediately checking whether it was convenient for everyone else.
I wonder how long you've been waiting for that permission.
And what I really want to say to you today is, you don't have to wait anymore. The preferences that went quiet, they didn't disappear. They're still in there. They've just been waiting for you to get still enough to hear them again.
One Small Step
[00:07:05] Shari Biery: There's something you can take here today as that one step. I wonder if you could write one thing down that used to light you up. Or think about that.
Not something you should enjoy, not something that makes you look good, or productive, or purposeful. Something that actually lights you up. That made time disappear. That made you feel more like yourself.
And then ask yourself the question. Does that still light me up?
You don't have to do anything with this, or make a plan, or find time, or justify it. This is just letting yourself know, because coming home starts with remembering what home felt like.
Coming Up Next
[00:08:11] Shari Biery: Next week is our final episode of this Coming Home series. And I want to bring it all together with something I've been building towards since Episode 1. A framework of how you actually move, not just understand where you are, but start making your way back. And I think it's going to be worth your wait. So, join me then.
Remember, the Midlife Spark Type Quiz is in the show notes, so take that if you haven't, and let me know, which one are you? Are you the Giver, the Reclaimer, or the Seeker? And what feels good about that, what acknowledges it? You don't have to take big, bold steps here, you just need to take one step at a time.
Thanks for spending time today. If this resonates with you, more than likely, you know women in your life who it would too, so please share that. And if you're getting something out of this podcast that really is speaking to you, I'd love for you to leave a review. I'd be so grateful. That is how the show grows, it's how other women like you find the show.
Until next time, keep taking your turn.
Where to Go From Here
If this episode named something you recognize, the Midlife Spark Type Quiz is a good next step. It takes three minutes and gives you a clearer picture of where you are right now. Take the quiz here.
Keep Taking Your Turn
New episodes of It's Your Turn with Shari Biery drop weekly on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, and Substack. Subscribe so you don't miss one.
This content is for informational purposes only and is not intended as medical or mental health advice. Always consult a qualified healthcare provider or mental health professional with any questions about your health.
This show notes page was created with the assistance of AI based on the recorded episode transcript. All content has been reviewed for accuracy and reflects what was shared on air.
