Why Midlife Friendships Get Hardier And What Helps
If your friendships have felt different lately and you can't quite put your finger on why, hearing these words might help. Shari names the pattern behind midlife friendship drift, why it's not a reflection of you, and what can actually help you reconnect.
Key Takeaways
- Midlife friendships rarely end with a fight. They end quietly, through a move, retirement, or a life that simply shifts direction.
- In 1990, about four in ten women reported having six or more close friends. Today that number has dropped to roughly one in four.
- This loss is structural, not personal. The systems that used to create connection without effort (school, neighborhoods, the office, playgroups) have dissolved.
- When we think it's a "you problem," we turn inward and stop reaching out. When we understand it's a "season problem," we can start building differently.
- Reaching out first, naming the loss out loud, and letting go of needing connection to look the way it used to are all small ways to start rebuilding.
- A loss is still a loss, even when nothing went wrong and no one's at fault.
Resources
- π― Take the free Midlife Spark Type Quiz: https://www.sharibiery.com/quiz
- π Read It's Your Turn: https://www.sharibiery.com/its-your-turn-book
- π Website: https://www.sharibiery.com
- π Join Me on Substack: https://sharibiery.substack.com/p/start-here
- Companion Substack article: The Friendship Nobody Warned You About Losing
Transcript
A Friend Moved Back to Ohio
[00:00:02] Shari Biery: You're listening to It's Your Turn with Shari Biery. I'm Shari, a National Board Certified Health and Wellness Coach, bestselling author, speaker, and creator of the C.A.L.M. Method. Each week, this show is about taking your turn in midlife, embracing new purpose, new passions, and new possibilities. New episodes drop weekly, so be sure to subscribe wherever you listen to your podcasts. Now, let's get started.
A friend of mine moved back to Ohio recently. She had grown up there, and a few years back, life moved her to Florida. Close enough that, for a few years, we actually got to be in each other's lives in a way that decades of distance had made hard before.
So, what did this mean? It meant more visits, more lunches, more afternoons together. More of the kind of time that thirty-year friendships are built to hold.
After I spent an afternoon with her, a few days before she left, I was driving home. We had spent the day at her pool. It's the easy kind of hours that happen when you have known someone for so long that you don't really need a plan.
And somewhere on that drive home, I felt something I didn't have a word for. It wasn't grief, exactly, and it wasn't loneliness exactly, it was something in between. The particular ache of watching a chapter close that you did not know was ending until it already had.
The Friendship Nobody Warned You About Losing
[00:02:07] Shari Biery: So, there's something that I think is so different in midlife about friendships. Sometimes they just fall away, and no one really warned us about losing these types of friendships.
They don't end with a fight. They typically don't end with a betrayal, or falling out, or a dramatic conversation you'll replay for years. They just end quietly. With a move. Kids leaving home. Maybe a career change or retirement. A life that takes someone three states away and leaves you on your long drive home wondering how this happened.
Think about it. The friendships of early adulthood had structure holding them together. It was school, maybe college. And then, as you aged, so did our kids. We had neighborhoods. We had maybe the office or workspace. And then with kids, playgroup turned into sporting events, turned into school events. You didn't have to work that hard to stay connected, because the structure did it for you.
Something to really think about, midlife removes the structure. And when the structure goes, so do the access points. It could be the casual Tuesday coffee, or the afternoon at someone's pool where you stay longer than you planned because the conversation is good. The shared context that made everything feel less alone.
Nobody warned us that this would be one of the losses. We talked about kids leaving, we talked about bodies changing, we talked about careers pivoting. But think about this, nobody sat us down and said, some of your most important friendships are going to quietly drift, and it's going to feel like something is wrong with you.
And nothing is wrong with you. It isn't personal. It's structural.
It Isn't Personal. It's Structural.
[00:04:44] Shari Biery: The loneliness that settles into midlife, it's not a personal failure. It really is structural. The systems that used to create connection without effort have dissolved. And rebuilding those access points as an adult, intentionally, it's genuinely hard work that nobody prepared us for.
As I was preparing for this podcast, I did a little bit of research, and I found a survey done by the Survey Center on American Life. And it really made me pause. Because this was the part I wanted to point out. In 1990, about four in ten women reported having six or more close friends. And today, that number has dropped to roughly one in four.
So, women are not becoming less interested in friendship. It's just that the conditions that made friendship easy have quietly disappeared.
So this is not a you problem, this is a season problem. And that distinction matters more than it might seem. Because when we think it is an us problem, we turn inward. We decide maybe we're too much, or too boring, or too busy, or too out of practice. And we simply stop reaching out. We accept the quiet as permanent. And when we understand, though, that it's structural, we can start building differently.
What This Season Is Actually Asking of You
[00:06:37] Shari Biery: Thirty years is a long time to know someone. Long enough that she remembers versions of me I have almost completely forgotten. Long enough that we can sit in comfortable silence or talk for four hours without even noticing where time goes.
What that drive home reminded me is that I cannot take the connections I have for granted. And I cannot wait for this structure to come back, because it's not coming back.
This season requires something different from us. It requires us to be intentional about who we gather around ourselves and how. It requires us to decide that our friendships are worth tending. That we are worth the effort of showing up for each other. That the loneliness we feel is not a sign that something is permanently broken. It's a sign that we're human, and we need people. And that is nothing to be ashamed of.
What You Can Do With This
[00:07:50] Shari Biery: So what can we do about this? I'm not going to give you a five-step plan to fix your social life by Friday, so let's just make that really clear. But I will tell you what has helped me, and what I hear from women who are going through this, too, at this time in our lives.
One, reach out first, even when it feels vulnerable. Most of us are waiting for someone else to make the first move, which means almost everyone is waiting. So think about that.
Number two, name it out loud to a friend. Something as simple as, I miss the kind of connection we used to have without trying. That sentence alone changes things.
Three, let go of needing it to look the way it used to. New seasons sometimes call for new kinds of connections, new behaviors, new rhythms and patterns. It's not a replica of what you had at twenty-five or thirty-five.
And finally, give yourself permission to grieve the friendships that have quietly drifted, even if nothing went wrong. A loss is still a loss, even when it's no one's fault.
A Question to Sit With
[00:09:18] Shari Biery: So, before you go, I always like to add a question here at the end to have a reflection on this. So, for you, is there a friendship in your life right now that deserves more attention than you've been giving it?
This isn't here to make you feel guilty. It's just to be honest. Reach out to that person. And maybe one small reach towards her this week might help you both.
Closing
[00:09:54] Shari Biery: So, if you've been feeling that particular loneliness of this season, you're not imagining it, you're not alone, and if today's episode resonated, share it with a friend. Share it with someone who you know could hear this message, and really spark some conversation with the women in your life. Because we all need connection.
So, as I always put at the end of the podcast here, if you haven't yet tried it, the Midlife Spark Type Quiz is at sharibiery.com/quiz, to understand where you are right now, and what kind of support might help you most at this time.
So I want to thank you for spending this time with me today. And if you want to have a deeper conversation, or read a little bit more on this topic, I've put a post over on Substack. So I'm at sharibiery.substack.com.
And until next time, keep taking your turn.
This content is for informational purposes only and is not intended as medical or mental health advice. Always consult a qualified healthcare provider or mental health professional with any questions about your health.
