The Guilt Women Feel Taking Care of Themselves (And How to Stop)
If you've ever felt guilty for taking twenty quiet minutes to yourself, this episode was made for you. Shari names the pattern behind that guilt, the Helium Hand, and shares three small, real shifts that make room for a different response.
Key Takeaways
- The guilt you feel taking care of yourself isn't proof you're doing something wrong. It's a habit built one automatic yes at a time, and habits can shift.
- The Helium Hand: the reflex of your hand going up to volunteer before you've actually decided you have the time.
- The guilt usually doesn't show up when you say yes. It shows up the one time you say no, and that's worth noticing.
- Three small shifts: pause for one breath before answering a request, use a placeholder phrase and name the guilt out loud when it shows up.
- You don't have to overhaul your life to feel a shift. The pause just needs a place to live.
Resources
- π« Free video series: 3 Ways to Say No Without Guilt — three days, under ten minutes each: https://www.sharibiery.com/3-ways-to-say-no
- π Read It's Your Turn: https://www.sharibiery.com/its-your-turn-book
- π Website: https://www.sharibiery.com
- π Join Shari on Substack: https://sharibiery.substack.com/p/start-here
- Companion Substack article: The Guilt Was Never About the Bath — https://sharibiery.substack.com/p/the-guilt-was-never-about-the-bath
Transcript
When Did You Last Do Something Just for You?
[00:00:03] Shari Biery: When was the last time you did something just for you, and you didn't feel like you owed someone an explanation for it?
A new person that I met recently told me she felt guilty for taking a bubble bath. Not a spa day. Not a weekend away, a bubble bath. Twenty minutes behind a locked door. And she spent half of it composing an apology she would give her family for disappearing, she said.
Today, we're going to talk about guilt, specifically this kind of guilt that shows up the second you do something just for you. And if that's you, you're not doing anything wrong. You've just spent years being the one everyone counts on, and that takes a kind of strength most people never see. This isn't about you failing at something, it's about a habit that got built one small yes at a time. And habits can shift.
The Helium Hand
[00:01:11] Shari Biery: So, I wrote about this exact feeling I was experiencing in my book. And I call it the helium hand.
Maybe you know this feeling. Someone asks for a volunteer, and your hand goes up before your brain even weighs in. Or someone, a family member, asks you to do something, and you just jump right in before deciding or even thinking, oh yeah, I had that appointment for myself. You didn't do any of this because you decided you had the time. Your hand just floats up on its own, like saying yes is a reflex instead of a choice.
And these things, they happen everywhere. It happens at work, someone needs a project covered, and you're already reaching for it before you've checked your calendar. It happens at home, your kid needs a ride, or your neighbor needs a favor, or your mother needs a phone call, and your hand goes up every time. Now, I am not saying that you can't do these things, we all do them. It's when you do them so much that you forget yourself in the process.
Where the Guilt Actually Shows Up
[00:02:32] Shari Biery: So, the guilt doesn't show up when you say yes. It shows up the one time you don't.
If saying no to something makes you feel like you've let someone down, that tells you something. Not that you're too sensitive. Just that saying yes has become automatic for a long time. And nobody ever asks you to check in with yourself first.
Three Small Shifts
[00:03:02] Shari Biery: So, today, let's talk about a few small ways to start noticing this, and I'm going to give you three ways here, because you don't need to do a big overhaul to feel a shift. You'll feel them with just doing one of these.
The first one is before you answer a request, just pause for one breath. Take a breath in, a breath out, not to force a no, but just to let it be a real choice instead of a reflex.
Second, when someone asks, a phrase that you can use, and something I use often, because it's become truth to me, is, "let me check and get back to you," or "let me check my calendar and get back to you." That one sentence buys you the space you maybe never gave yourself before.
And then third, another way is when the guilt shows up, and it will, it's best to just name it out loud. "I feel guilty right now." Guilt loses some of its grip the moment you say it plainly, instead of just absorbing it.
Now, none of these require you to become a different person. They just give you the pause a place to live.
A Question to Sit With
[00:04:59] Shari Biery: And so, today, let's think about this here. I'm going to give you a question, and just reflect on this for a moment, because we all have this in our lives, and it's not something that goes away. It waxes and wanes. But where does your hand go up automatically before you've even decided you have the time, or the energy, or the capacity?
The guilt you feel taking care of yourself doesn't mean you're doing something wrong. It means you've been carrying a lot for a long time, quietly. And you're allowed to notice that.
Where to Go From Here
[00:05:39] Shari Biery: So, if you want to go further with this, I put together a resource for you, and it is called Three Steps in Saying No Without the Guilt. It's a short, free series that I walk you through. I've developed it to be like a free pocket coaching video series, and you'll learn how to say no with clarity, kindness, and confidence. It's a muscle you can use and strengthen.
So, if you've ever said yes and you really meant no, this is great. Many women struggle with boundaries, because we don't want to disappoint anyone. But our boundaries aren't selfish here. They really require us to take a pause, look at what's important. And so, over these three days, you'll learn a mindset shift that makes saying no easier. You'll get a simple three-step method for setting boundaries, and you'll get some phrases you can use, I gave you just one example. But for today, just notice your hand. Where's it going? Up? Down? That's enough.
Keep Taking Your Turn
[00:06:59] Shari Biery: So, thanks for spending time with me today. If there is something that really resonated with you in this episode, or you've been just talking with a friend about this, share this episode with her.
And I'm going to ask you a big, huge favor. If you are not subscribed to the podcast, subscribe. It makes a difference in how other women find this and feel supported, and I'll be really grateful for you subscribing and sharing. And if you feel compelled to do so, you can leave a review. Reviews always share what golden nuggets come out of this for you, and help others find it. So, until next time, keep taking your turn.
This content is for informational purposes only and is not intended as medical or mental health advice. Always consult a qualified healthcare provider or mental health professional with any questions about your health.
AI Disclosure: I'm a mom, wife, veteran military spouse, healthcare worker, and National Board Certified Health and Wellness Coach. My writing connects back to my book, It's Your Turn, and my own lived experience. I use AI to help draft and edit, but every idea, story, and word comes from me.
